Stay Awake With Me - Destiel College!AU - Part 14

Part 14 - Amends

Cas got up early that morning. He'd promised the psychologist lady that he'd talked to (Meg, her name was), that he would get some sleep, no matter what. She hadn't asked him to talk about his family or his relationships or anything. She'd just stuck with basic details and… well, they'd had a chat. God only knows what was going on through her head while Castiel was muttering away about the stupid weather.

He was sleepy when he woke up and found fresh bruises on his elbow which tended to point the finger at a night terror. He groaned and tumbled out of bed, feeling as pointless as ever. He didn't want to go to class. He wasn't doing anything useful. Cas knew that the things he was studying wouldn't lead to a career. He might as well stop now. But he couldn't do that to his professors. They thought he was brilliant. So he wandered off to Psychology. He noticed a poster up on the wall of the room that he had never noticed before. It was kind of fading, but it was about sleeping disorders. Cas cursed himself under his breath. If he'd noticed that in the first place, he probably wouldn't have freaked out so much. The class launched into a huge debate about nature vs. nurture and Cas found himself wondering if he was going to grow up to be like his father. Abandoning his children, not telling them what to do with what he'd left behind... Then Cas started missing the warmth of his Dad's coat. Cas was intrigued by the nature vs. nurture thing. He wasn't entirely sure which side he took and it surprised him that some people could make their minds up so quickly…

Anna slunk into the room half way through.

Professor Henrickson glared at her, something close to murder in his eyes.

Cas stifled a laugh as Anna waved, greeted him very loudly and blew a kiss at Henrickson.

You'd have thought everyone would have learnt to ignore her by now, but even after almost a year of this, she still had everyone's attention.

When Anna sat next to Castiel, she immediately turned to him. "What happened?" she whispered furiously.

Cas frowned, that funny little crease forming between his eyebrows. "What are you talking about...?"

"You look like you've been twelve rounds with truckasaurus."

Cas raised an eyebrow. He had no clue what she was going on about.

Anna reached out and poked at his head.

He winced and swatted her hand away.

She caught the hand mid swat and turned it over, inspecting the grazes, cuts and bruises that covered it. "You sure you don't need to go to the hospital or something?"

Cas shook his head. "Dean patched me up alright…"

"Dean. What was he doing wherever the hell you did this?"

"He found me… I was drunk and I… well, I just wanted it all to stop."

Anna blinked at him. She was working through that sentence in her head. "You did this to yourself?"

"Not the scratches… but I did… um," Cas lowered his voice. "I walked into the river, without the intention of coming back out."

Anna smacked his arm then, and he winced. He was bruised from Dean's tight grip on him as he was hauled out of the water. Anna grabbed his arm and pulled him forward; hugging him tightly though the chairs made it difficult. "Talk to me next time okay? Just talk to me."


Before Cas left the room, he wandered up the rows of chairs to the back to have a look at that poster. He ran his finger along the word 'terrors' and the hairs on his neck stood on end.

Anna waited for him by the doorway and their professor was packing up his things while staring at Castiel curiously.

Cas cleared his throat and tripped over in his attempt to swagger back to the front.

Anna snorted and came to help him up. "What're you going to do now?" She said as she giggled.

"Dean's going to teach me about cars," Cas knew that his voice shook, and he wasn't sure it was with excitement or dread.

"Dean? So are you two…."she waved her hands about, trying to explain her thoughts without words.

Cas choked on air. "No. No, no, no..."

Anna held her hands up. "Okay… sorry…"

Cas left the classroom and walked with Anna before they had to hug goodbye and he went trotting off down the street.

~~

He'd only been here the one time. It was dirty and smelly and Cas didn't like it. Which is why he was glad Dean said he'd be in the shop. The shop still smelt kind of funny, but at least he could breathe.

Dean nodded at Cas in acknowledgement and lifted up the bonnet of a car (not the Impala) that sat in the large, yet cramped space.

"Hello, Dean." Cas rubbed at the back of his neck before moving to tuck his hands into the pockets of his coat. Of course, he wasn't wearing his coat, so he frowned and crossed his arms instead.

Dean took a deep breath and looked Castiel in the eyes.

Cas shuffled closer and stared down at the complicated engine. Cas didn't like travelling in cars too much. Somehow, it always felt slower than walking. He only ever agreed to sit in the Impala because Dean was there. He knew nothing about cars.

So when dean started talking, it sounded like some other language and it took a lot of energy to even understand the gist of things. He found himself moving closer to Dean and leaning in to stare intently as Dean's hands flickered across the lids of various things. He really knew what he was doing…

"So, any questions?"

"Yes." Cas looked down at his feet. "Is my coat dry yet?"

Dean's face fell. He'd obviously been expecting something else. He wiped his forehead with the back of his hand.

Cas watched as black grease smudged in a line. "um.. you've got…" he gestured vaguely and in dean's direction.

"I've got what?"

Cas tipped his head from side to side and reached out slightly. "Oil stuff… on you."

"Where? Dean wiped at his face, only making it worse.

Cas cleared his throat and reached forward to wipe it off for him, realising too late that his own fingers where black and dirty.

Dean grimaced and licked his bottom lip before grinning cheekily.

Cas took a step back, eyes wide, trying to imagine what was coming.

Dean ran his hands along the oiliest parts of the engine slowly, teasingly. He reached out and pressed his hands to Castiel's chest, wiping them down his previously clean, light blue shirt.

Cas stared down at the dirty hand prints in disbelief and turned around to grab a handful of saw dust from the work bench and held his hand over Dean's head. A smile spread across his face, one that he couldn't supress no matter how hard he tried. He opened his hand and let the dirty wood shavings fall over Dean's head and shoulders.

Dean chuckled and grabbed the large container of water that sat in the corner, twisting the lid off and swinging it around so that the contents splashed out.

Cas spluttered and flicked his soaked hands out. He ruffled a hand through his hair and looked around for something he could send back.

Dean had his hands on his hips, grinning in triumph as Cas ducked under the huge roller door. His smile disappeared when Cas came back with hands coated in mud and slapped both hands on Dean's cheeks. The smile came back as he felt the cold, slimy mud drip down his face. His stomach flipped and if he hadn't been coated in the mud, his cheeks would have been bright red. "You're going to regret that," he bit his lip and stared at Cas from under the mud and his eyelashes.

Cas took a step forward. "Am I really?" His ears were slowly starting to burn and he was just happy because it felt like nothing was wrong. He was with Dean, like he should be and they were having fun.

"Yes… You… are…"

Cas didn't realise what he was doing, but suddenly he was hooking his fingers into the belt loops on Dean's jeans and tugging him closer.

Dean let himself get dragged forward, so close that he could smell that Castiel-y smell that was currently coated with the smell of engine grease and dirt. He pulled back, breathing hard. He couldn't do this. This was wrong. it's probably not what Cas wants

Cas let his hands fall to his sides and he looked down at the floor. His cheeks were bright red and his insides felt like they were boiling. What was he doing? Of course Dean would pull back. Dean hated him. It hurt him to remember exactly how much Dean hated him. "My apologies," he muttered and took a giant step back.

"Yeah," Dean coughed awkwardly. "You kind of invaded my personal space…"

Cas nodded. "I don't think I can work here."

"You have to. Michael's already said you can have the job. It's pretty easy really... just serve people and if they ask you something you don't know the answer to… ask me." Dean shrugged, squinting as he stared out into the sunshine that had taken the world by surprise. Look anywhere but at that stupid angel boy!

Cas nodded. "Dean… I feel… regret…. About you, about how I ended things…" he squeezed his dripping, oily shirt nervously. When Dean remained silent, Cas added, "I just want to make amends…"

Dean rubbed a hand over his mouth. "Okay…" he whispered quietly. What else could he say? He could hardly believe that he was hearing this.

"Is it working?" He ducked his head a bit to look up into Dean's eyes.

"Does it make you feel better?" Dean asked, pulling a rag from behind him and slowly wiping off the engine grease and dirt. His insides were aching…

"No… You?"

"Not a bit." Dean was lying of course. Castiel apologising like this, did make him feel better. It made him feel like Cas cared, which, however unlikely, was a feeling that Dean clung to with all of his strength.

Cas seemed to deflate, crumple in on himself. He slouched and started shivering slightly. His undeniably gorgeous blue eyes clouded over and for a minute it seemed as though he'd just crawl into a little ball right then and there.

Dean wanted to offer him his jacket, or a towel or something, but he couldn't. He stared dumbly at the beautiful man in front of him. He wished that Cas would just smile and laugh and tell him that he was better, and that he wanted to lie in bed and snuggle under the covers, and eat pancakes and get syrup on the sheets, and laugh because it didn't matter. Dean wanted Cas to care. He wanted Cas to need him. No one needed Dean though… not even little Sammy, all grown up with a girlfriend, getting an education and stuff. Dean needed someone to need him, but there was no one. His eyes darted to Cas' neck, where Dean was used to seeing a black string and a silver pendant. It was gone. That was proof. Cas didn't want him. "I think you should go… I'll bring you your jacket… sometime," Dean sniffed and let the filthy rag in his hands fall to the floor.

Cas turned and walked slowly outside. The sun shining down was inappropriate now. It was wrong. Cas wasn't happy, so the sun shouldn't be either. Cas didn't get to his room before he felt the need to sit down. He was on the steps just outside his dorm, the ones that led down to the road, and the ones where if you sat on them in the right spot, you could see the fountain and that one statue of a horse. Cas rested his elbows on his arms and waited for some sort of sign, telling him what he was supposed to do. There was nothing.